Cataraqui Soccer Club

the re-birth & re-emergance of billys belgrano pylons (the b.b.p.s)

outdoor season 2009 kingston d division cat three.

well folks, its been some time since this reporter has filed anything from the trenchs, not because he,s been too busy,ney, not because the football observed has been to such a high standard,that it rendered me speechless(maybe incontinant)....neyand ney again. its been because week in and week out ive have been astounded by watching the cat three team

i now know how rodin felt as he created "the kiss"(its a beautiful statue you pillocks).......so here goes.......

it was  a balmy monday evening,when the bbp,s started the season, we were like a phoenix being reborn from  the fire and ashes of the pitifull 2008 season (1 win and way to many losses).... it was a new season with a new coach,alan doyle was selected,well not really selected, he came to the position by default, last years coach billy stuart had been commited to the kingston  phsyciatric bin after cracking up from having to watch the pylons of 2008,week in,week out, his stay at the bin has been followed by a period of re-hab on the greek island of lesbos, by all accounts,there, billy was one happy bunny, although his hands are severly blistered.(must be the sun) brian(apply for everything at the a.g.m ) harpell, was elected to the position by various voters at the a.g.m.. some people(who shall remain anon) unkindly said, that it was new members of our league winning ladies team who actually voted for phsyco, obviously they had never been  away for the weekend at the over 35,s tournie and shared a room with him,brian after accepting the position, much to everyones chagrin, had a critical situation arise with ringo and had to go into f.b.i. protective custody, due to unpaid parking tickets , issued by the militant wing of the kingston byelaw dept.

this was how alan fell into the head coaching position,from the very outset coach doyle took a hard line , by demanding that all players show up at least 20 mins before kickoff, or be benched,you could have heard a pin drop (or maybe it was professor lovells false teeth dropping to the ground....again!!!.)

incase some of the two people who will actually read this season synopsis, think i am being unkind to  prof-a- gee,(to use his street name), do not feel sorry for the man with the "rock star" life style, this man collects more air miles than obama!!!!. he spends the year, jetting around the world visiting his  various families in saville, guatamala and japan, i do believe there are quite a few hairsuite children world wide who speak spanish with a glasgow accent!. when the prof was in kingston ,he always played and actually played very well, for a man of 72,he even shed his blood for the cause in the play-off final,well done lovell.

the season has flown by , we had 23 players signed and by our last game we still had 21 players turn out, some say this was due to the coaching skills of alan doyle or as some of the team called him"fergie",this was not after the famous man utd coach sir alex ferguson, but after the girl with big boobs, who is in the group"the black eyed peas",she, just like alan, stands to the side, does nothing,and knows fuck all about whats going on!

this reporter will not go through all the cat three games on a weely basis, but just try to bring back some of the highs and high- lite as many of the lows as he can remember,if by chance i embarass any individual player...good, also if there are any cat three players, that i dont take the piss out of,please dont feel left out, thank you for your play and i,ll get you next time!..AND AWAY WE GO.........

1.the defence....
melvyn oz,.... our some- times goalie played as many games as his schedule would allow, he always showed up ready to play,literally, i dont think our latino shotstopper was there more than 5 mins before any game, although he was always fully dressed in his goalies attire, i wonder if the genral knows, that mel wears his gear under his uniform.

mark pizzanto,... he played in goal until he did, what no other cat three player did this year, sacrificed his wanking hand for the good of the team, mark was in goal and in making a stop from  piont blank ,broke his wrist, and he still played the rest of the game, thats a tough man, dont let the earring fool you,some players said marks play in goal reminded them of micheal jackson, they both wore gloves for no apparent reason!,but not me...

esmond stupor,... or lord baden -powell,as he became known, after playing a game in a pair of shorts that he had owned since he was in the boy scouts, grey and below the knee, they truly were awful, although izzy had the last laugh ,when he pulled a turkey from one of his pockets at half time and fed the team..

terry day,... or as he became known  "nightanday", because thats how long some of his runs down the wing took!some of the more unkind (all)  players, thought terry was carrying an injury, because of his style of running,he sort of looks like one of those wind toys you put in the garden, terry made some of us (none) feel bad, when he explained, he had run that  way since a childhood accident with a gerbil,a tube of superglue and his mums vacum cleaner!

andrew brown,...this man is very important to the team, not because of his play, its because he sells us cheap beer!, just kidding,andys game has really come along this season, but please andrew, get rid of the rollerblades,some (all) team members thought you had forgotten to take them off during the games.

brian doc and arteck "the rezman",.... yes arteck i still cant spell your name, these two were, for the best part of the season, our centeral defenders, they looked like two of the original cast members of the "hills have eyes" (the good version), but they went very well together, just like a gerbil, a tube of superglue and his mums vacum cleaner(ask terry),brian has had to modify his diet, no more raw meat,and he promises to stop losing the plot at teamates.

barry cave and eddie edwards...., these two beheamoths also played central defence amongst other positions, they were a joy to behold, the great thing about watching barry(treacle) cave play, was that you never had to use the speed shutter on you camera,some (all) of the lads wanted to know why i had videod barry running backwards, but i hadnt, it just looked like it!!,my two favourite moments of the whole season were given courtacy of "the jamiacan nightmare"eddie, during our 2nd game against cancoil, one of their  5FT tall players, was crying that eddie had hit him, to which eddie replied " if i hit you man, i,d f--king kill you",it was so funny, ive never heard eddie swear.the second moment was in the play-off semi, when eddie tackled that little guy danny, yous all know him, he used to have dyed blond hair,he also played for cat, it is the only time i have actually been scared on a football field, this kid decided to try and spark his team by running with the ball at our defence,biiiiiiiig mistake, i saw eddie line him up from about 20 feet away, the only thing that went through my mind was "bless us our lord, carry that poor boy into youre waiting arms", it was a clean tackle, but like a car wreck, bits of the lad landed in the car park,i was scared because i thought the kid was dead, but he did get up, so fair play to him.

finally our last defender john (granddad) mcgarry,....some (all) of our players, think john is older than he actually is,which is actually astounding because he looks like he,s old enough to be bobbie armstrongs dad, john missed quite a few games this season due to his duties for the united nations, the whole team would like to thank troubled countries world wide for keeping john busy, with a special shout to cyprus. when john was able to play, his speed was unbeliveable, he moved slower than barry cave in cement boots(thats slow), johns abilty to read a game is uncanny, the only problem is we were speaking english and john was reading the game in sanskrit(yes he is that old) , this reporter wont even mention johns grey socks, they are truly horrible, they look as if his great granny knitted them,out of barbed wire, when noahs ark stopped of in ireland, for some r & r, come to think of it john looks a bit like noah!

2. the midfield......
 the cat three midfield has a combined age of 2003,
matt "the kaiser"lauder, how a german got on our team i dont know,matt patrolled the midfield like a bald sgt rock, sorry he moved about the midfield, like a rock!matts speed has been compared to the advancing ice age.

pete"sensible"jenkins,pete carried a nagging injuryfor most of the season (cathy),just kidding.pete"the cheeseman"played as many games as his hamstring and harry caird would let him .isnt it terrible getting older?.

huw davies returned to the fold after too long away, and just because he,s welsh there will be no sheep shagging or "there.ll be a welcome in the hillside" jokes,, we hope you are back for good huw.

alan "fergie"doyle,,alan.s season was shortened by a really bad case of salmonella,that must be the only reason, the rest of the team on the side line shouted "youre shit doyle".

larry" mr immaculate" hart,larry is the only man i know who can travel for 6 hours and get out of the car ready for a photo shoot, i swear he has ironed creases on his underpants,anyone who see.s larry looking dishevelled should take a photo, it will be worth more than a picture of the loch-ness monster.

peter"energizer"boyle, he just keeps going and going,pete scored some  cracking goals this season, so he is safe in the piss taking stakes, dont you think though , he looks like actor gabrial byrne?

sean "hotdog" woods, he,s called hotdog, not because of his great play, but because, he sells me hotdogs at work everyday, sean asked(begged) to play forward in the last 6 or so games, lo and behold didnt the bastard only score 6 0r so goals, we did report that fact to the vatican and they,re classing it as a grade  "A" miracle.

brian dodo, brian has a get out of jail card for this season, as he was pretty sick for a while, he was shouting at people and running around the field doing crazy things, kicking the ball to the other team and generally playing shite, then he got sick!!!!!

rob"van gogh", luzink , we called him "van gogh", for the amount of times team mates called for him to pass the ball and he just ignored them, more than one player(all), was heard to say" that bast-rd must be deaf in one ear".

dave" tiptoes" backhurst, dave contributed greatly to our season, especially when he missed games,dave earned the nickname "the pontiff",because he scored about as often as pope benidict.

dave"secetariat" rossbourgh,we nick named dave, not for his racehorse like speed, but for the fact, because of injuries, if he had of been a horse, we would have shot him.

last but not least ,new team member scott willits or davies or benevis, or whatever i put him on team sheet as ,until i could remember his name, scott played very well and always gave 100%, especially when he cut back on the smokes, from 100 a day, back to 65,scott sometimes had trouble, hitting the  net, some of the team(all), have decided next season to  call the oppositions goal " rebecca", because he was always hitting on her!!!!

lets not forget about our two most faithfull supporters, bobbie and stevie "the formaldahyde twins", or "statler and waldorf", thanks for coming to more of our games than cat two,s, much appriciated lads.

well thats it folks, sorry its taken so long to complete, thanks for a great and more importantly a fun season. have a safe and happy winter, see ya next season

alan doyle

Comments